I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
