I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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