More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
