It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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