Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize