so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
