ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
