I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize