Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
