Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
