sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
