I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
