If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
