Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
