I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize