My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
