Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
