So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Pants are for mortals
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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