Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
