Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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