....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
