Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
