It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
