Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it was like eating out sand paper
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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