Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
