First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
