im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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