I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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