My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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