She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
