I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
