I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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