I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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