and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She said her name was "party"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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