Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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