Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
