We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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