In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
