The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
