i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i love accidental penises.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
