Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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