apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
