i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
