Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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