I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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