this beer tastes like vomit already
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
