haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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