as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
