Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize