just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
