am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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