My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
