I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
