I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
