Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize