Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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