so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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