I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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