if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize