Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
