Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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