I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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