Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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